For World Autism Awareness Week we are amplifying the voices of autistic survivors on our blog.
This post is by one of the co-founders of Disabled Survivors Unite, Ashley Stephen.
Content notice: Abuse, mention of suicide
When I was nine years old, my psychologist told people to tie me up and break things I liked until I “calmed down.”
I hadn’t been diagnosed with autism yet, but I doubt the reaction would have been much different if the psychologist had recognised what was happening as an autistic meltdown. It didn’t matter the reason – to her, I was simply too much. Shortly after I was tied up, I tried to kill myself for the first time. Between the ages of nine and twelve, I tried at least a dozen times.
You see, every form of abuse I’ve been subjected to has always been followed up with the reasoning that these things only happened due to my being “too much.” By the time I was diagnosed at seventeen, I had been abused so endlessly that I genuinely thought this was how people were supposed to interact with me. I didn’t understand I could ask for things, like help or kindness or for my basic needs to be met. I had known for years that things were better if I didn’t speak, so I had mostly stopped. I didn’t understand why I existed, only that my family were very upset when I tried not to.
These are things I still carry with me daily, all due to abuse, and I know far too many autistic people in similar holding patterns. It’s wrong that our autistic traits are coded as being “too much” and we are made to feel like burdens; that no one tells us what to watch out for until it’s too late. Society seems to single out autistic traits as excuses for abusive behaviour. It is vital that this ends.
To fellow autistic people, I wanted to say you aren’t alone and you deserve to be treated kindly, and with respect. Abuse is not a normal part of life and there isn’t an excuse for it. No matter what people tell you, it’s not your fault. You never have been a burden, nor could you ever be.
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